Dusted fantasy football: Euro ’16

While we’re happy that Murray won Wimbledon again, tennis happens every year while football is only… well, all the time. But this specific football event is only every four years and with 24 teams playing for the first time, the European Cup was already off to an exciting start.

This year, Dusted decided to bring back the always intense fantasy football league. With 12 teams involved, it was the largest league to date – probably in the world.

After a close battle at the top of the table (and a less close one at the bottom), the victor emerged: ‘Eat EU for Brexit’, better known as our very own Matt. Matt was actually the organiser of the event itself, so is currently under investigation for manipulating the result. It’s just standard procedure of course. But he totally cheated. ‘Sepp Matter’, the papers are calling him.

1 Eat EU for Brexit (Matt) 354
2 Bak for More (Dan – Dusted alumni) 326
3 Wonderwall FC (Elliott – Dave’s son) 287
4 Priddy Patriots (Rose/token girl) 281
5  Yeah Football (Dan – friend of Dusted) 276
6 Dantastic (Dan) 272
7 British Home Stores (Dave) 263
8 Super Meda Win Squad (Fin) 236
9 FC Fußball FC (Ollie) 189
10  StGeorgedUp (Nic – friend of Dusted) 188
11 Paulines Pussies (Paul) 176
12 Rickyvillasbeard (Keith) 69

It might have been anyone’s game at the start but the scores show how it didn’t end that way. 285 points separated winner, Matt, and last place, Keith. When asked about his position, Keith responded, “I achieved what I set out to achieve. The Lanterne Rouge.” The fact that Keith picked a team at random and then never bothered to check it speaks volumes towards his dedication to coming last.

I caught up with Matt outside his team’s locker room (the disabled toilet). “Well, at the end of the day, it was a game of two halves, really. I started quite poorly, not managing to gather many points from my team. It’s then that I realised that the winning team would have to score more than the others so I made some tactical changes to help with this. It seemed to do the trick.”

Words from a titan. There you have it folks: another fantasy football tournament over. The winners shall be holding their heads high for as long as it takes for everyone to forget we even did this. Or when they realise there is no prize.